SWFA: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Glove of Darth Vader, but Were Afraid to Ask

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the
Glove of Darth Vader, but Were Afraid to Ask

The Glove of Darth Vader, Chapter Four:
Endangered Whaladons

Adrick Tolliver
with Christopher McElroy

The Empire’s stock of probe droids takes a severe depleting, as hundreds upon hundreds of the little gobbling machines are spit out into space in search of Darth Vader’s glove (which kinda gives new perspective to the whole “needle in a haystack” thing).¹ Logically, the probe droids would be sent out in the general direction of Endor and the worlds surrounding it (Annaj, Bakura, Firriere, Rattatak). But our would-be Emperor is nothing if not thorough – he sends the probe droids in every single direction, through each general area of the SW galaxy! Even if they can’t find the glove, they might be able to give him some other useful info, right? In the meantime, Trioculus decides against moving to Hoth just yet (Wampas and blizzards can wait).

    Yet, all the probed droids are turning up is crap: Death Star debris, runaway prisoners, unexploded bombs, Alliance starships (hey, what would an Imperial warlord do with that kind of info anyway?), bounty hunters stealing Imperial weapons – stuff which Ysanne Isard, Lord Shadowspawn and Warlord Zsinj would kill for. But it means nothing to Trioculus, not even that missing command speeder that went racing off into a dangerous, radioactive asteroid belt at the first sign of the metal squid. He wants the glove!

    Being 2 legit 2 quit, Trioculus takes out his frustrations on poor giant fezfe beetles in the mountains of Kessel. He nails three, earning the rave reviews of Grand Moff Hissa, but it ain’t pleasing our three-eyed man. He wants something bigger, nastier, more dangerous to kill. Something like the star dragons of the Cona ammonia jungles, maybe. Before Hissa can set that up, though (or even suggest a krayt dragon of Tatooine or a Dathomir rancor), Trioculus changes topics and asks: “Have any more troops questioned my right to be Emperor?”

    Hissa notes that even the stormtroopers, that most fanatically, mindlessly loyal segment of the Imperial populace, are bitching about their new three-eyed master. “I want their names,” Trioculus snarls. “Their treason shall be punished!”

    Not bothering to mention that stormtroopers don’t have names (only numbers)², Hissa brings up that a salvage ship found what looked like a glove this morning – turned out to be only a rusty old droid’s hand. Trioculus could give a $#!^ about that. He wants the glove, and wants it now! NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!

    Anyway. Returning to his sleek black palace from his third beetle hunt, Trioculus and his whipping boy are met by an agent from Mon Calamari. He came in a Carrack cruiser filled to bursting with the delicacy of delicacies – huge hunks of fresh Whaladon meat! While the meat’s gone to the palace kitchen, the agent delivers a holodisc to Trioculus while Hissa fills out the delivery paperwork. (“Sign here, sir…and here…and right up here…”) Ordering for no one to disturb him while he views the disk, Trioculus retires to one of his (many) private chambers. Within minutes he hears “Dark Greetings!” from a white-bearded (though the illustration shows a black beard with a white stripe over the chin) man with a reddish, leathery face. Wearing a naval uniform covered with buttons and medals, the man (Captain Dunwell) reports that he has made an Astounding Discovery! (Cue infomercial music). He’s already reported this Astounding Discovery (music) to the Central Committee of Grand Moffs, who of course told him to tell the big man himself. (Dunwell and the Grand Moffs have always been best buds). Dunwell urges Trioculus to come to the Whaladon Processing Center on Calamari immediately, so he can see for himself this Astounding Discovery! (music)³

    The next scene takes place on the watery world of Mon Calamari, a world never seen or mentioned in the movies, but an increasingly popular location in the Expanded Universe since the days of Dark Empire. Actually, “Mon Calamari” isn’t the true name of the planet, merely an inaccurate designation used by outsiders. While the natives call their world “Dac”, the rest of the galaxy has been using “Mon Calamari” for so many years that the name has stuck. This in spite of the fact that it results in sentences like this: “Salmakk was a Mon Calamari from Mon Calamari.” Clearly “Dac” is the superior name, if only because it is shorter and therefore easier to type.

    “Mon Calamari” is also inaccurate because there are four other intelligent species native to the planet besides, well, the Mon Calamari. These include the Whaladons, and speaking of Whaladons, here comes one now! This is Leviathor, the great white Whaladon. No, seriously. He’s the leader of the Whaladons, and he is visiting the Whaladon graveyard. This is not, as one might expect, the place where old Whaladons come to die (presumably after living in the Tatooine Retirement Home for Aged Aliens). No, this is a dumping ground for Dunwell and his poachers. After being processed for their meat at the nearby Whaladon Processing Center, the remains of the Whaladons are dumped here. The poachers have only been active for a few years, but already the entire sea floor in this region is white with the bones of murdered Whaladons.

    On page 38 of the Glove of Darth Vader we can see a good picture of Leviathor, who looks an awful lot like… um, a humpback whale. Look, I realize that pretty much any way you draw a space whale it ends up looking a lot like an earth whale anyway, but they could have at least tried… Also, the whole “save the whales” thing detracts from the otherwise cool tale of Leviathor, particularly in blatant sentences such as “Leviathor knew he had to save his endangered species before it was too late.” Though their concepts are not irredeemable, the Davids writing style is seriously lacking in subtlety.

    Anyway, Leviathor sees a yellow light, and knows that Dunwell and his Aqualish cronies are coming for him in a sea-going vessel. He then does what any quick-thinking Whaladon would do—he turns all the way around to look at it. Sort of like a deer in a headlight. It’s probably this sort of behavior that causes certain sources to list the Whaladon as less than sentient.⁴ Actually, they are quite sentient, if not the swiftest thinkers in the galaxy. Fortunately, Leviathor escapes, and heads to the “Domed City of Aquarius, the undersea center of civilization on Calamari” for help. The “Domed City of Aquarius” is not to be confused with the water-world Aquaris in the Expansion Region.

    After escaping from the asteroid field, Admiral Ackbar takes Luke and the droids to Calamari, where Threepio hopes to be returned to his usual gold-and-silver at the Droid Repair Shop in the Domed City of Aquarius. The full address, presumably, is “Droid Repair Shop, Domed City of Aquarius, Water World of Mon Calamari (Not the Water World of Aquaris), Outer Rim System of Mon Calamari, Galactic Region of the Outer Rim Territories, Galaxy Far, Far Away”, etc, etc.

    The reason for this little detour is that that Ackbar believes they will be spotted by the Empire if they "fly" near Yavin. (Luke, of course, whines "But Mon Mothma and Princess Leia are waiting for that information now.")

    Once at Calamari, the party lands on Pisces, one of the floating cities. From there, they take a Calamarian shuttle submarine (sing it now: "We all ride in a shuttle submarine, a shuttle submarine, a shuttle subma—okay, I'll stop) to the Domed City Aquarius. Aquarius is notable because it is the only (presumably Calamarian; the Quarren live deep underwater) city located entirely underwater. It's described as a gigantic bubble, half water and half air. Harmony and understanding, sympathy and trust abounding--that sort of thing. Kinda cool. Unfortunately, it hasn't been used in many EU sources—most authors tend to go for the flashier⁵ Crystal Reef or Foamwander cities. After GODV, it seems, the age of Aquarius has ended.

    Because the city is half filled with water, Leviathor is able to swim right down the city's largest canal. When Luke, Ackbar, and the droids disembark, they hear Leviathor's call for help. Ackbar is one of the few Mon Cals who can understand Whaladon songs, and he is deeply moved by Leviathor's tale of woe. He agrees to help, and Luke joins in with a "Me too" that is every bit as dramatic as the one in Return of the Jedi.

Next: We extend a most Imperial welcome to Emperor Trioculus at the Whaladon Processing Center!

¹ This section guest written by Christopher McElroy.
² Actually, TheForce.Net message board member Valiento pointed out that: “Kyle Katarn, Davin Felth, Janzor, Strandor, Dower, Tak Bazierre, Pargo, Zeth Durron, Wallen, Tarl, Irol, Elsek, Barich, Oberk, Misik, Drelosyn, Drazin, Avarik, etc, had both names and numbers. Not to mention that many stormtrooper prototypes (clone troopers) had nicknames as well. According to Pax Emperica: The Wookiee Annihilation, all cloned stormtroopers received names, and they even called each other by their names.”

³ Adrick Tolliver resumes the narrative beginning with the following paragraph.

⁴ At the time this was written, the Geonosis and the Outer Rim Sourcebook had listed Whaladons as a creature rather than a sentient being. Though this was later explained as role playing mechanics, there was some discussion as to the sentient status of the Whaladons. I was poking fun at this fact.

⁵ But not fishier.

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