Everything You
Ever Wanted to Know
About the
Glove
of Darth Vader, but Were
Afraid to Ask
The Glove of Darth Vader, Chapter
Three:
The Seven Words of Trioculus
By
A few notes I'll make
here: Yes, the Davids
decided
to name each and every chapter, (one piece of evidence to support my
theory
that they were paid by the word) and no, they weren't very good at it.
Also,
"Trioculus" is pronounced "Try-ock-you-luss", according to the useful glossary
in the
back of the book. To completely understand
The Glove of Darth Vader, it is imperative that you be able to
pronounce this
correctly. I'd suggest that you practice saying "Try-ock-you-luss"
loudly and spontaneously at school, work, or in a crowded movie
theater. (See
if you can hijack the PA system for this purpose. Share the love.) I realize that this has about a snowball's
chance on Mustafar of happening, but to
quote Lando Calrissian,
"The
possibilities keep me entertained."
Anyway, Trioculus is
hungry, due mostly to
the
exertion involved (for him) in forming coherent sentences. So, he and
his party
pile into an "armored landspeeder
limousine", and travel to Trioculus'
palace. A
new character is introduced, the evil droid MD-5. According to the
glossary in
the back of the book, Emdee shares a close
relationship with Trioculus, comparable to that of Luke's relationship to Threepio
and Artoo, only in an evil way. Emdee has many
skills, which will be demonstrated later in the book.
This is a rather interesting concept that I
thought deserved further exploration. Of course, due to some rather
inept
planning by the Davids, Emdee
later becomes superfluous and is dropped without explanation several
books down
the line.
Trioculus holds a
banquet. In attendance
are a small,
select group of grand moffs loyal to Trioculus, all of whom are also important
members of the
Central Committee, as well as a grand admiral from the planet Gargon. When I
first
read this book, I thought that Grand Admiral Grunger
had been invited for dinner, but not so.
This is another grand admiral from Gargon,
which confused the heck out of me. Just
how many Grand Admirals does that place turn out? But
the excellent grand admiral article in Insider #66
explains that this is Grand
Admiral Miltin Takel,
a
brilliant but often spiced tactician. It
turns out that Takel was assigned to Gargon, but accepted a posting on the Death Star
II, and Grunger came in as Takel's
replacement. Takel
was able to escape the Death Star's explosion, but he found that Grunger had set himself up as a warlord,
bullying
surrounding Imperial fleets into contributing to his own massive
collection of
Star Destroyers. (You don't find those things in a cereal box, ya know!) Takel failed to recapture the region, earning
the wrath of
Ysanne Isard. He took refuge on Kessel, hoping to ally himself with the Central
Committee,
and he already feels a strange connection with Trioculus,
who will hopefully deal with Grunger
eventually. If Takel plays his cards
right, he could work his way into
commanding the Imperial Fleet, and maybe, just maybe, he'll manage to
get Gargon back.
The grand moffs from
the Central Committee
present
are Hissa, Dunhausen,
Muzzer, and Thistleborn.
There's
nothing that really stands out about this bunch. There are no ruthless
and
brilliant men here, no Tarkins or Four-Atesees. These people are obviously here to be
controlled
by Hissa. The only noteworthy thing about
any of them
is Grand Moff Duhausen's
laser pistol-shaped earrings. Weird sort of
fashion statement
there, even for the GFFA. One wonders if those earrings are
functional
in addition to being decorative (like Agent 99's earrings in Get Smart!).
One of the dishes served is Whaladon
meat.
Whaladons are (surprise, surprise!)
whale-like creatures
native to Mon Calamari, also known simply as Calamari, or Dac.
This planet is also, as you probably know, home to Admiral Ackbar's
people, the Mon Calamari, and Tessek's
people, the Quarren. Whaladons
are highly
intelligent, and it is a crime to hunt them.
Unfortunately, and in spite of the fact that Mon Calamari is an
important member of the Republic, there are more Whaladon
hunters than ever on the planet. They are led by a rather nasty
character, one
Captain Dunwell. He is a ruthless butcher,
and so it
should come as no surprise that he is a trusted friend of the Committee.
While dessert is being served, Trioculus
addresses
his guests with a booming voice, saying "Find me the glove of Darth
Vader!" (That's seven,
count 'em, seven words there. Good to know
that the Davids can count.)
Then he stares at them with his third eye, causing them to
shudder.
(Does this guy know how to ruin dessert, or what?)
It may seem silly for a glove to be of such
importance, but the
influence of
the Prophets of the Dark Side is such that if Trioculus
cannot find the glove, then many of the major Imperial factions will
not pledge
their loyalty to him, son of Palpatine or
no. And if someone else finds it, then the
Prophets may declare that being to be the new Emperor,
and much of the Empire may move to dispose Trioculus
and the Central Committee. Hissa is
undoubtedly
furious at the false Prophets—after all, they were supposed to be supporting
the Committee. Whatever the Prophet's true motives are at this point,
they
certainly are not compatible with those of the Committee. So everyone in the Empire loyal to Trioculus has been commanded to search for the
glove, and
to turn it over to the Emperor at once if he or she should find it. Of course, any average Zev
could become the new Emperor if he were to find the glove, but I don't
think
anyone has thought that far ahead yet. Heck, it's hard enough to find a
single
glove in a vast galaxy. The odds of finding it are... Not good.
Although Isard's
position in the galactic power circle may be uncertain, she holds
Coruscant in
a death grip, and while Carida is the most
heavily
armed planet in the galaxy, it’s also completely useless from a
strategic
standpoint. So the next item of business on the agenda is this: the
Empire
needs a new, secret home base.
This leads to a rather
amusing
bit, one that the Davids managed to pull
off. Trioculus decides to hear suggestions
for the location of
the new base. The joke is that Palpatine never asked them for suggestions! These are the evil leaders of the galaxy, and
they aren't quite sure what to say! They
are literally squirming in their seats; this whole thing is entirely
new to
them. I find this rather funny.
The other silly thing is that every one of the
suggestions is a planet
from the
original trilogy. While this was obviously
intended as a reference point for those who had seen the films, it's
still a
little annoying. However, these planets
probably fall in the space governed by those who suggest them. (Having
the main
Imperial base, even a secret one, in their space would be a feather in
the cap
of any Grand Moff.)
Dunhausen suggests Tatooine,
"We can
take over the Mos Eisley
spaceport!" Trioculus
dismisses this suggestion. He doesn't want to bother eliminating Tusken Raiders and Jawas. This shows the somewhat strapped resources of
the Empire at this point in time. At the
height of Palpatine's power, Imperial
dungeon ships
swept through the galaxy, depopulating entire planets, and now Trioculus is concerned about Tuskens
and Jawas, which the Imperials had
previously picked
off by the dozen. To be fair, the Tuskens are extremely dangerous when backed into
a
corner. The Jawas
are no small threat either. Some Jawas have been reporting smashing moisture
farms with
their sandcrawlers.
A Jawa named Wittin
terrorized Tatooine until he was stopped
by the
Empire (after which he went on to work for Jabba). More recently, Jabba
the Hutt had pushed the Jawas
out of the salvage business, and the starving Jawas,
led by Wittin, had no choice but to go
against their
natures and learn some of the Hutt's
tricks. Two Jawas
nearly
toppled the Rebel Alliance's supervaporator
project,
and an entire group recruited for a salvage mission to Endor
mutinied and set themselves up as highwayrodents. Some denizens of Mos
Eisley consider them to be almost as
dangerous as the
Tuskens, although with Jabba
dead the Jawas have been showing signs of
returning
to their former lifestyles.
After a long silence, Grand Moff
Thistleborn
suggests Bespin, saying that the Empire
can take over
Grand Admiral Takel
then suggests Dagobah. Now, a lot of
people find it
odd (at best) that an Imperial would know of Dagobah. Emperor Trioculus
finds it more than odd; for him, it's a time waster.
He makes this fact known quite loudly, while
knocking over a flask of zoochberry cream.
(You'll be
seeing a lot of zoochberries in
this series, apparently it's a galactic
staple.) Well, Dagobah
was
not unknown to the galaxy at large.
Although Dagobah is not on any
modern starcharts, there have been several
ill-fated attempts at
colonization over the centuries. An
Of course, the
Finally, Hissa makes a
suggestion that Trioculus actually likes. (Trioculus
likes it! He really likes it!) Hissa suggests—Hoth! Surprise, surprise. Hissa's reasoning
is sound, however. (Hey, there's a first time for everything):
"The new base should be located on a world that the
Rebel Alliance
wouldn't consider important.... Preferably a world
where Imperial stormtroopers won't be too
comfortable—comfortable men grow lazy and rebellious.
There are still bases and military bunkers on
Hoth that the Rebels once used before our
four-legged
AT-AT walkers [what, the other Grand Moffs
wouldn't
know how many legs an AT-AT has? On
second thought, don't answer that.] chased
them off
the planet.… All we have to do is move in!'"
So, Trioculus orders
all the warlords
loyal to him to
transport their military equipment to Hoth.
Before
too long, an Imperial garrison will be established in the ice caverns.
The Empire is merely the latest in a series of
organizations that have
occupied
the ice caverns during the Imperial era.
Salmakk, the Mon Calamari smuggler
(yeah,
yeah, but there are exceptions to every rule) originally constructed a
base in
the caves. He deserted the base, and it
was vacant for years, until a pair of human replica droids chose it as
a
hide-out. They were discovered by Luke
Skywalker, who suggested that the Rebel Alliance establish its new base
there. Salmakk
returned to
his former haunt, however, and the Rebels had to fight him for it. The
Takel, having hit the
spice bag a tad early
today,
jumps out of his chair, and all but demands that Trioculus
locate the Glove before Grand Admiral Grunger
does. Trioculus
doesn't take too kindly to this sort of thing, and has Hissa
execute Takel with a ZING! Scratch one
Grand
Admiral. (This leaves seven grand
admirals alive, in case you're keeping score.)
Well, Takel can say good bye to his
hopes of
taking Gargon back. He may not have been a
smart man,
but at least he went out with a ZING!
That can't be said for everyone.
Even Grand Admiral Thrawn didn't go
out with a
ZING! (It was more like a SLICESQUISH!)
Meanwhile, Artoo
and Threepio are lost.
(You know droids with masculine
programming—they just can't stop to ask directions.)
Wasting Industrial Automation's wonderful
droid navigation package, Artoo and Threepio are navigating by trying to find the
street signs
in Artoo's data banks.
In frustration, Artoo
says, "Chpeeeeeeeeez phooooooch!" Yes, the Davids
wrote out Artoo's dialogue.
This suggests that not only were they being
paid by the word, they may have been paid
by the
letter.
The droids continue their search, after nearly being
run over by a landspeeder limousine
carrying Imperial
officers. (Those
evil warlords have no consideration!)
They are chased by some Imp command speeders, which then destroy
their
meteor-pod. (Uh oh.) But fortunately, they are saved by Luke
Skywalker and Admiral Ackbar, who had
landed their
captured command speeder in a "Kesselian
mountain forest" (most likely a
So, next time we'll find out about the (are you
ready for this?)
Endangered Whaladons! Whoo
boy! Save the Whaladons. Can't wait.
Continue to Part 4 >>
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