SWFA: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Glove of Darth Vader, but Were Afraid to Ask

Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the
Glove of Darth Vader, but Were Afraid to Ask

The Glove of Darth Vader, Chapter Seven:
The Captain’s Reward

Adrick Tolliver

Luke tells Artoo to free the Whaladons—but Artoo can't find a way to do it. (Personally, I think it would have been a better idea to ask Artoo to release the Whaladon's before activating the self-destruct, but who am I to argue with a Jedi Knight?) Suddenly, Threepio shouts, "Oh no, Master Luke, Trioculus has found us! We're doomed!"

The battle between Skywalker and Trioculus is not only short, but also epic. To give you the best idea of what it was like, I'll turn this section over to everyone's favorite combat commentators: Fode and Beed!

Fode: Laaaaadies and gentlethings, welcome, welcome, welcome to Mon Calamari!

Beed: <We're broadcasting live from the Whaladon-hunting submarine of Captain Dunwell!>

Fode: That's absolutely right—

C-3PO: Oh no, Master Luke, Trioculus has found us! We're doomed!

Fode: And there's the starting bell! In one corner we have Trioculus of Kessel! Formerly Supreme Slavelord, now Emperor of the galaxy! Looks like he's dressed to kill, Beed. And what's that on his forehead?

Beed: <Eye've never seen anything like it!>

Fode: And in the other corner, Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight!

Beed: <That name sounds familiar...>

Trioculus: Your droid has grasped the situation well, Skywalker. Now prepare to die!

Fode: He's raising his glove...

Beed: <He's pointing it at Skywalker...>

Fode: And you know what that means!

Fode and Beed: Instant disintegration!

Fode: Wait, looks like Skywalker isn't going down without a fight. He's ducking behind Dunwell!

Beed: <He's lifting the captain up off the floor!>

Fode: Great globs of bantha poodoo! He actually threw Dunwell at Trioculus! They're both down for the count!

Beed: <Let's get an instant replay on that.>

Fode: Absolutely amazing! Skywalker has his lightsaber out now—

Artoo: Jeeep booo poooooz!

Threepio: Success! Artoo has instructed the master control to free the Whaladons!

Beed: <Did you hear that, Fode? That little droid always comes through at the last minute.>

Fode: I did hear that, and this may be the last minute, Beed. The alarms are getting louder, and if someone doesn't win this battle soon, it'll mean a permanent time-out for everyone!

Beed: <Trioculus is raising his left hand now, Fode.>

Fode: He's trying the lightning attack! This happened the last time Skywalker went head-to-head with an Emperor. Let's hope it doesn't take him by surprise.

Beed: <Nice move! Skywalker's deflected the lightning with his lightsaber!>

Fode: Trioculus is in trouble! Look at the way his eyes bulge! All three of them!

Beed: <Last time I saw a look like that was on a Gran being eaten by clodhoppers on Stend IV!>

Fode: Wait, he's increasing the voltage now, and he's hit Skywalker right in the chest! What an attack!

Beed: <It's electrifying, Fode, but the shock from his implant could kill him before he finishes off Skywalker!>

Fode: That three-eyed mutant is out of his mind!

Beed: <Skywalker's down!>

Fode: Looks like Trioculus wins this round. Trioculus, now that you've beaten the last of the Jedi, what are you going to do next?

Trioculus: Hissa, power up the escape sub! Quickly!

Beed: <Wait, Skywalker has shaken it off! He's running down the corridor!>

Fode: Looks like this contest ends in a tie.

Trioculus: You may have escaped from Emperor Palpatine, but I shall destroy you, Skywalker! You have my promise!

Beed: <That's it for tonight, folks. This fight was brought to you by Dunwell's Quality Whaladon Steaks—"so good they're illegal!">

    Luke keeps on running until he reaches the minisub. Luke didn't abandon Artoo and Threepio; they just snuck into the sub while the authors weren't looking. A quick bounce over the squid (the authors forgot the droids, but remembered the squid?) and they're free. So are the Whaladons, who are led through the Seascape Mountains by their leader Leviathor.

    Meanwhile, Trioculus and Dunwell reach the escape sub with only two minutes to spare. Hissa and Emdee are waiting, and Dunwell tries to get aboard first. Hissa stops him (one minute and fifty nine seconds) and explains that no one will enter the escape sub before the Supreme Ruler of the Empire, the True Master of the Dark Side. Even when facing imminent death, Hissa is a stickler for protocol. Dunwell turns to Trioculus (one minute and thirty seconds) and says:

"And are you the True Master of the Dark Side? I thought a Master of the Dark Side didn't need to rely on mechanical devices to give him lightning power or to make the glove of Darth—"

    He is interrupted here by Trioculus (one minute), who says that he is perfectly right, and lets him go into the sub first.

    Not so! Actually Trioculus pushes him out of the way (fifty-four seconds) and suddenly feels a stabbing pain in his eyes. (Dun dun dun!) He straps himself in, and Hissa and Emdee do the same. Dunwell tries one last time to board (thirty seconds) but is stopped by Trioculus. He orders Dunwell to go down with his ship. Revealing the fact that he had been spying on the three-eyed one probably wasn't the smartest thing Dunwell had ever done, but let's not forget that (ten) his brain (nine) was partially (eight) disintegrated a few moments (seven) ago. Trioculus uses (six) the Power of (five) the Glove on (four) Dunwell once more, (three) and the escape sub (two) zips away (one).

    The Whaladon-hunting submarine explodes¹ , and Dunwell's reign of terror in the Calamarian seas is ended. In the escape sub, an evil smile spreads across Trioculus's face. With the Glove, no one will challenge his right to the throne...or so he thinks....

On Yavin, Luke and the droids deliver a complete report to SPIN. Now that Empire Proper and warlords will be reunited under one leader, the Alliance will have to work quickly to prevent the evil Galactic Empire from dominating the galaxy once more. But on the bright side, Luke and the droids did save the Whaladons.

And speaking of Whaladons, Luke and all his buddies have been invited to a special concert of Whaladon songs back on Mon Calamari. Its spectacular program includes a water ballet, Whaladon folk melodies, classical Whaladon songs, and even an opera composed by Leviathor. Sounds just thrilling, doesn't it? Even with all this merriment, Luke can't help but remember Trioculus's vow, "I shall destroy you, Skywalker! You have my promise!"

And as Leviathor delivers the last note in his opera, we segue into the closing credits, for this is:

THE END
(For now.)